Can exes be friends after a breakup? Insights and advice

Hello Readers, 

Breakups are hard, there’s no question. Whether it was a mutual decision or a one-sided heartbreak, the aftereffects of a breakup always leaves us inquiring, “Can we be friends with our ex?” That’s a question that haunts many people, particularly when the relationship was significant and the connection deep.

After all, this was actually someone who knew us very well, who knew our contexts, who knew our secrets, who was part of our lives. So, does remaining friends with an ex make sense, or is it disaster waiting to happen?

Let’s break it down.

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The Illusion That You Can Break Up More Easily

Most of us think that remaining friends with an ex reduces the pain of a breakup. We’re like, “If we can still communicate and we can still be there for one another, it’s not going to seem like a total loss. ”But here’s the reality: Being friends with your ex often makes it more difficult to get over them.

By staying in touch, you are reminded of the emotional bond you once had. It makes it difficult to move on from those romantic feelings and to truly accept that the relationship is over. You may even start to ignore the reasons you did break up in the first place, and just like that — those feelings you had are back in the mix.

For example, say you ended your relationship with your ex because he was emotionally unavailable. If you remain friends, perhaps you will begin to ignore this shortcoming again in the hopes that things will improve. This back-and-forth of hope and disappointment can leave you in an emotional holding pattern.

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Mixed Signals That Are Confusing

Breakups can be messy, and feelings are rarely black and white. One moment you feel sure you made the right choice to end things, the next moment you’re wondering if you are absolutely certain. Retained a friendship with an ex will only make this muddled further.

When you’re in frequent contact, it’s all too easy to read something they do or say the wrong way. You get a plain message or go for a laid-back meetup and start thinking, “Does he still love me? Let’s give this one more chance?'” This can lead you on an emotional rollercoaster where you’re unable to have clarity around what went wrong and what you really want from a partner.

Ask a TherapistWhat You Need to Know About After the SplitThere’s a reason that taking a break after a breakup is recommended: “It gives you a chance to reflect,” an expert says. Staying friends too quickly can keep you trapped in that cycle of all of your relationship issues unresolved.

The Effect On Future Relationships

Let’s be real: watching your ex move on can be tough. But when you’re still friends, you’re continually peppered by their new life, which can be exhausting. On the other hand, remaining friends with an ex can interfere with your ability to commit to a new relationship wholeheartedly.

Your new partner may feel insecure, or may question your fidelity, if you are still in contact with your ex. Furthermore, you may subconsciously benchmark your new partner against your ex, which isn’t exactly fair to either of you. Trust, focus, and emotional availability are essential for a healthy relationship, and mixing up your baggage from three five-year relationships in a row isn’t conducive to any of these things.

Case Study: A study in November 2016 found that staying friends with an ex can lead to jealousy, emotional pain, and difficulty getting over the relationship.

When Can Exes Be Friends?

While remaining friends with an ex is usually fraught with complications, it’s not wholly unfeasible. The secret is timing and emotional preparedness. Here are some signs you may be ready to have a friendship with your ex:

• You’ve Moved On Completely: You no longer have romantic feelings or resentment toward them.
• You It Is Respect Boundaries: You Each have your own boundaries and both are okay with that.
• You’ve Moved On: You’ve reach a good place emotionally and are ready for a new relationship without the baggage of comparing it to your past.

Example: If you and your ex split on relatively good terms and you’ve had enough space to suspend unreciprocated feelings, a friendship may be possible. If the breakup was messy or one-sided, though, you’re better off keeping your distance.

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Conclusion

Whether to remain friends with an ex is a deeply personal choice that is unique to yourself and your situation. But, in the majority of cases, when it comes to maintaining distance after a breakup, it is the healthier option. It gives you space to heal, insight, and the opportunity to create a better future for your life.

Keep in mind that it’s fine to release. In fact, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for a former partner is let sleeping dogs lie and move on with dignity. As they say, “Don’t hold on to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.”

So, can exes be friends? The short answer: it’s complicated. But one thing is true — your emotional well-being should always take precedence.